I’ve been listening to some Christmas music… a lot of Christmas music… lately. But I’ve been actually listening to it and processing the lyrics. I have to say, I don’t like what I’m hearing. I’ve even put together my list of Top Five Most Fucked Up Christmas Songs.
- Merry Little Christmas – I thought this was a personal fucked up Christmas song because my husband would sing the lyrics, “Have yourself a merry little Christmas, it may be your last.” Turns out, those were in fact the original lyrics. (He wasn’t aware of this and insists that he somehow changed history.) By the time Judy Garland sang it in Meet Me In St. Louis, it was changed to “let your heart be light”. And “faithful friends who were dear to us, will be near to us once more” was “will be near to us no more”. As my husband puts it, “It’s about losing touch with people until you die.” Merry Christmas!
- We Wish You A Merry Christmas – Who are you? Why do you think you deserve Figgy Pudding? Because you want me to have a Merry Christmas, I’m supposed to bring you Figgy Pudding? First of all, thanks for the song, it’s lovely… but I don’t even know what Figgy Pudding is. I have to Wikipedia this shit, then go to the grocery store. Then you want it delivered to you? That seems a bit excessive. I thought this was the season of giving, not demanding weird English treats.
- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – It’s fairly innocent from the child’s perspective… except that the kid is fine with the mom’s infidelity. But if you really think about it, he is witnessing some kinky Christmas foreplay. Daddy (most likely…) has just dressed up like an elderly man for their son and this is definitely playing into the night’s sex sesh. I mean, to each his own… but this whole song is stemming from a kid witnessing his mother’s gerontophilia.
- Baby It’s Cold Outside – Everyone knows this one is fucked up. It’s the quintessential Christmas Date Rape song. Come on girl, get over that hold out. (Fifty no’s and a yes is a yes.)
- Do They Know It’s Christmas – We all know it, they’ve been playing the shit out of it for the past thirty years. I don’t understand how this (well intentioned) song actually caught on when Bono’s part in the chorus is screaming out “Tonight, thank God it’s them instead of you.” WHAT! How is that okay? How about carefully re-wording that sentiment, Band Aid? Let’s try again.
This whole adventure did prompt some research. Needless to say, I put a spin on some Figgy Pudding. Enjoy.
Lil Fig Puddings with Boozy Caramel Sauce
adapted from Gourmet Mom on the Go
½ cup butter, room temperature
1 cup molasses
¾ cup heavy cream
½ cup brandy
½ tsp baking soda
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 tsp pumpkin pie spice
1 tsp lemon zest
2 ½ cups flour
16oz figs, stems removed and chopped
nonstick cooking spray
¼ cup butter
1 cup brown sugar
½ cup heavy cream
½ cup brandy
additional figs and whipped cream for garnish
Preheat oven to 325°F. Spray small ramekins with nonstick spray.
Using a mixer, whip butter. Once fluffy, add in molasses. Follow with eggs, one at a time and then heavy cream and brandy. Continue beating until fully incorporated.
In a separate bowl, mix together flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt, pumpkin pie spice and lemon zest.
Blend dry ingredients into wet ingredients. Fold in figs with a spatula. Spoon into prepared ramekins.
Bake for 25 minutes.*
Whilst the puddings bake: melt butter in a saucepan. Stir in brown sugar so you have, what looks like, wet sand. Slowly whisk in cream and brandy. Cook over medium-low heat for 9-10 minutes, stirring frequently. Keep warm until ready to serve.
Remove puddings from oven and let cool. Serve while still warm and drizzle with caramel sauce.
*If you make a large pudding rather than small ones, bake for 65 minutes.
December 8, 2014 @ 4:34 pm firstname.lastname@example.org
I think Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer deserves #6 spot on the list. Like seriously who let’s their grandma out the door in the snow after she drank to much egg-nog.
December 12, 2014 @ 3:54 pm Fontina Turner
Haha, I full agree!