Game of Thrones: You Win or You Die (part 2)

I will spoil all your show shit. Look away if you haven’t watched.

A couple of weeks ago, I gave you some fun death-inspired recipes for Game of Thrones. Knowing how ruthless the show runners and Mr. R. R. are about killing off characters, I thought it only fitting to give them all one last thing to say. Last time we had Catelyn Stark’s Red Wedding Soup, Robert Baratheon’s Drunken Boar Sandwich and Tywin Lannister’s Brownie Commode à la Mode.

Well I couldn’t stop there. This week I have three more for you, and just in time for the premiere of the 5th season (April 12th)!

First on the menu is Ygritte’s Skewered Hearts. Tender beef kebabs (shaped into hearts) that have been kissed by a fiery marinade and are accompanied by a wildly cooling dipping sauce. In memory of that poor little girl who had her heart broken (and later, pierced) by the evil Jon Snow. (Or some take on that, it may not have been so one-sided.)

To accompany that, we have Oberyn Martell’s Smashed Potatoes. Aggressively smashed potatoes (with the eyes removed), with ground lamb sausage, red onions, goat cheese, chick peas and lemon zest… because nothing whets the appetite like the image of someone’s face getting smashed in.

To end this series, we’re going to honor our favorite death of last season for dessert: Joffrey Baratheon’s Purple Face Pie. We have an unpoisoned blackberry and lemon pie with all the sour and bitterness that comes with being a well-hated king. Nothing was sweeter than the death of that little asshole.

If all of this isn’t enough to fill you up, check out my past Game of Thrones recipes!

Lord Varys’ No Bean Chili
Jon Snow Balls
A Feast of Ice
A Feast of Fire

Valar morghulis, my friends.

Editor’s Note: Below are the recipes as they appeared on HoboTrashcan.com.

Ygritte’s Skewered Hearts
2 lb beef (sirloin tip), cut into heart shapes
sriracha
olive oil
wooden skewers

for the marinade
12 oz beer
2 tbs olive oil
2 tbsp Worcester
6 cloves garlic
½ tsp smoked paprika
½ tsp cayenne pepper
2 tbsp sriracha
¼ tsp salt
¼ tsp pepper

for the dipping sauce
2 tbsp mayonnaise
½ cup yogurt
½ avocado, smooshed
2 tbsp fresh dill, chopped
1 tbsp  lemon juice
salt & pepper, to taste

Prepare the yogurt dipping sauce by blending together all of the ingredients. Cover and refrigerate until ready to use.

Whisk together the marinade ingredients. In a large freezer bag, place hearts and then dump the marinade over top. Secure the bag and refrigerate for 4-8 hours.

An hour before cooking the meat, soak wooden skewers in water. Once skewers are saturated, stab your way through all of the hearts. (3-4 hearts per skewer should suffice.)

Heat a grill pan on the stove over medium-high heat. Liberally drizzle olive oil over the heated pan. Place skewers onto the sizzling hot pan. Cook for 2-3 minutes, then flip, cooking another 2-3 minutes.

Remove to a serving plate and drizzle generously with sriracha. Serve with the icy cold wilding sauce. Admit that you know nothing.

Oberyn Martell’s Smashed Potatoes

Oberyn Martell’s Smashed Potatoes
2 lbs baby red potatoes, washed and quartered
6 oz crumbled goat cheese
½ cup half & half
½ lb lamb sausage*
½ red onion, diced
1 cup chickpeas, roughly chopped
zest and juice of 1 lemon
salt and pepper, to taste
olive oil

*If you can’t find lamb sausage, do not be afraid to replace with a chicken sausage. It’ll still be delicious.

Boil red potatoes in a large pot of water until a fork easily breaks them apart. (About 25 minutes.)

Meanwhile, in a large skillet over medium heat, drizzle a tablespoon of olive oil and stir in the diced red onion. Crumble in the sausage. (You may need to remove the casing.) Break apart with your spatula as it cooks, and incorporate with the onions. Once cooked through (10-12 minutes), remove from heat.

Drain potatoes and place in a large mixing bowl. Add in goat cheese and half and half Using a potato masher (or hand held mixer), smash the potatoes. Smash their fucking faces in. When you have them at a good consistency, stir in sausage and onion mixture, chickpeas, and lemon zest & juice. Salt and pepper liberally. But be sure to account for the salt in your tears as your cry into the potatoes over the loss of the Red Viper.

Joffrey’s Purple Face Pie

Joffrey Baratheon’s Purple Face Pie
24 oz blackberries
zest and juice of 1 lemon
½ cup sugar
¼ cup lemon curd
1 pie crust (recipe here or store-bought)

Wash and sort your berries. In a large bowl, combine them with the lemon zest, lemon juice and sugar. Stir aggressively and mash some of the berries. (I do this with my hands.) Let set for an hour.

Preheat oven to 375°.

Place your dough in a pie dish. You can crimp the edges if you like, but I prefer a more rustic look for a pie of Westeros. Spread the lemon curd on the bottom of the pie crust. Follow with the blackberry mixture. Spread smooth.

Bake for an hour to an hour and 15 minutes. Let cool completely (several hours) before slicing. Serve to the biggest prick in the kingdom. Actually, wait, it’s too good for that. Serve to your friends.