Editor’s Note: Below is the column as it appeared on Hobotrashcan.com.
Seven years. Seven long years since the darkness has engulfed our lives and the Bluth family was ripped away from us. Dramatic? Perhaps. But I think it’s a pretty good summary of how all of Arrested Development’s fans have felt throughout the years since Fox canceled the cult favorite TV series.
But now they’re back. Kind of. Netflix has licensed a fourth season. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m not exactly watching this one episode at a time, once a week. It’s all about the marathon, baby. And with any marathon, you don’t want to take time out of watching to go to the bathroom, answer your mom’s phone call or make food. I’ve got ya covered. Well not with the pissing or talking to your mom. Sorry, you’re on your own. But what I DO have is a couple make-ahead, Bluth-themed dishes to munch on throughout your marathon. Whether it’s the first time you are watching it, the second … or … yeah, the fifth.
Lindsay might not be the best mom, or human, in the world, but that slut knows how to cook … Hot Ham Water at least. I may have taken a few liberties with the recipe, like adding ham, and beans, and spices … but it’s essentially the same. Throw it in the crock pot and after a few hours, you’re set to have a warm bowl of soup throughout the day. With just a smack of ham.
In the mood for something sweet? Pop open your freezer and grab one of the Bluth Bananas you made ahead of time. There’s always dessert in the banana stand.
And in case you want a handful of things that you don’t have to cook that will go with these fabulous dishes, you can still theme them out! You can have a bowl of hard boiled eggs in your fridge, Tobias and George Michael would be all over that. A little sign taped to a popsicle stick that says “Where the Fuck Are My Hard Boiled Eggs” is all it takes to make it themed. Maybe start your day off with some breakfast: a Skipp’s Scramble might require some heavy lifting, so take a page out of Lucille’s cookbook and enjoy some vodka on the rocks and a piece of toast. Don’t forget your love affair with that box of ice cream sandwiches you bought at the grocery store.
And if you DO feel like cooking more, you can break out your Cornballer and whip up some Corn Fritters.
So put on your cutoffs, grab your cousin and cuddle up for some Bluth family fun!
Hot Ham Water
(Very Loosely Adapted from Lindsay Bluth)
- 1-2 lb. ham
- 1 lb. dried beans (navy beans, cannellini beans, pink beans, something along those lines)
- 1 large vidalia onion, diced
- 4 stalks of celery, diced
- 4 carrots, diced
- 1 tsp smoked paprika
- 1 tsp cumin
- 4 cloves garlic, minced
- salt & pepper to taste
- 4 cups chicken broth
- 4 cups water
- 1/4 cup flour mixed with 1/4 cup water
- Bread and butter
Soak beans overnight. (Discard any broken beans and sort through for any stones.)
Combine all ingredients (except for bread and flour mixture) in a crock pot. Cook on high for 4-5 hours or low for 7-8 hours.
Remove any bones from the ham and shred or dice the meat.
Mix together your flour and water and add to the soup. Also to thicken up for five minutes or so before serving.
Serve with crusty bread and butter.
(Stick it in the what? Stick it in the what!?)
- Chocolate chips (it’s good to go with quality chocolate for this, I get the Ghirardelli)
- Crushed peanuts, mini M&Ms, coconut, etc.
- Blue food coloring (for the “those are blue too” version)
- Plastic Wrap
- Skewers, short if you can find them
- A freezer
Peel. Cut your bananas in halves and stick a skewer in the flat end.
Wrap each one in plastic wrap and then put them in a freezer bag.
Seal and freeze for several hours, or preferably, overnight.
After bananas are frozen, get ready to dunk them in shit. Melt your chocolate in a double boiler. (If you don’t have one, make one. Put a pan of water on the stove top with a smaller pan inside of it. Put the chocolate in the smaller pan.) Stir a lot.
Line a cookie sheet with wax paper. Put your toppings in wide-mouthed bowls.
For the “Those Are Blue Too” version, mix a few drops of food coloring into the coconut.
When the chocolate is nice and melty, unwrap your bananas and dunk them. Let the extra chocolate drain off the tip, then either roll in your toppings or place directly on the wax paper without toppings.
Put in the fridge to dry the chocolate. Once they are dry, rewrap them in plastic wrap and keep them in the freezer till you’re ready to mister banana-grabber one.
They’ll make YOUR banana stand.