Show Me How the Piggies Eat

Editor’s Note: Below is the column as it appeared on HoboTrashcan.com.

I don’t know why this movie is so god damned polarizing. But I guess that’s because I’m completely on one side of the argument.

I love A Christmas Story.

It puts me in the mood for the holidays every year. Not that it takes much for me, I’m a huge holiday freak to begin with. But the second I hear the intro music, I’m wide-eyed and excited.

You know that scene where Randy won’t eat and his mom tells him, “Show me how the piggies eat!” and he shoves his face in his plate like it a trough and starts snorting? Yeah, I used to do that to my kid brother. That little jerk would NEVER eat. (We certainly don’t have that in common.) So I took a life lesson from A Christmas Story and I’d say, “Show me how the piggies eat, Quentin” and it worked. Fucking genius.

So, here’s my ode to one of the greatest holiday movies in existence. I’ve made you all Meatloaf, Meatloaf, Double Beetloaf (I hate meatloaf). It’s a classic meatloaf made with ground beef, pork and veal, with pureed beets in the meatloaf itself, and then topped with a brown butter beet sauce. I don’t think you’ll need any convincing to eat it, it’s amazing.

And it wouldn’t be a Bacon and Legs column without alcohol, yes? Keeping it classic, enjoy a steaming hot mug of Spiked Ovaltine. This isn’t a crummy commercial, I promise. Just a good solid wintery Christmas cocktail.

So watch out for the Bumpuses dogs, grab your decoder ring and make your mom cook you this awesome dinner … then show me how the piggies eat.

I hate meatloaf

Meatloaf, Meatloaf Double Beetloaf
1 1 /2 pound ground meat (i used an equal blend of beef, pork and veal)
1 cup beets, pureed, divided
2 eggs
1/4 cup milk
1 1/3 quick oats
2 shallots, diced
1 tsp oregano
1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 stick butter
2 tbsp balsamic vinegar
salt and pepper

Preheat oven to 350°F and spray a loaf pan with cooking spray.

In a bowl, using your hands, mix together meat, 1/4 cup of beets, eggs, milk, oats, shallots, oregano, and salt and pepper. Mix well!

Press into loaf pan. Slide into oven for 20 minutes.

In the meantime, heat a skillet over medium heat. Melt butter. Melt it harder. Keep stirring until the foam disappears and the butter turns a nice nutty brown color. Remove from heat and whisk in the remaining pureed beets, balsamic vinegar and salt and pepper to taste.

Top meatloaf with the brown butter beet sauce, then continue baking for an additional 40 minutes. Allow to cool before cutting.

Serve with mashed potatoes and peas. Cause you hafta.

Ovaltine Cocktail

Ovaltine Cocktail
4 tbsp Ovaltine mix
2 cups warm milk
2 oz Creme de Cacao
2 oz whiskey
1/2 cup egg nog
whipped cream and chocolate shavings

Whisk together Ovaltine and milk. Add in Creme de Cacao, whiskey and egg nog. Stir gently. Top with whipped cream and chocolate shavings.