Fantastic Beasts and How To Eat Them

Two quick things about me.

1. I love Harry Potter.
2. I love Gene Wilder.

These are relevant to one another, I promise. Just give me a second.

So, when I was a kid, we’re gonna say 4 years old, definitely not a teenager, the first Harry Potter movie came out. I hadn’t read any of the books, but my friend Katie asked me to pretty pretty please read the first book and go to the theater with her. So that’s what I did. I read the first book in two days, watched the movie, then proceeded to read the next three books (that’s all that was out) very very quickly. From that point on, I was a huge HP fan. Obviously. I don’t think anyone spends the time reading the books but hates every moment of it.

At one point, my mamma got me Fantastic Beasts and Quidditch Through the Ages. They were faux text books with little notes from Harry written in the margins and the proceeds from the sales benefited some charity. It was a cute gift and I wish I still had them.

Ok, now on to Gene Wilder. I loved that man. He was a saint. A hilarious, timeless, Jewish saint. The moment Johnny Depp took the role of Willy Wonka, he became my mortal enemy. I know he annoys people. But it goes real deep with me. No Pirates or Scissorhands can save my opinion of this man. At this point, his presence infects those around him as well. I may have hated Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter on their own merits, but at this point, it’s just their affiliation with the Wonka imposter.

Needless to say, I’m less than thrilled about Depp being Grindelwald. When the first film came out, the disappointment hit. But then I saw what a huge role he’d have in the second and I’ve been dreading it ever since. But I’ve decided to go into this with as open of a mind as possible. In general, I’m an open-minded individual, so my life philosophies need to bleed into my film philosophies. Wish me luck.

These guys, amirite?

Fantastic Beasts and How to Eat Them
1/2 lb beef tendrloin
1/2 lb chicken thighs
1/2 lb hot italian sausage
1/2 lb sweet italian sausage
1/2 lb pork chops
1/2 lb bacon
brussels sprouts, 1 handful, trimmed
olive oil
wooden skewers (soak these in water for a bit)

dry rub (recipe from the Chew)
1/4 c light brown sugar
2 tbsp fresh thyme
1 tbsp paprika
1 tbsp garlic powder
1 tsp cayenne
1 tbsp coarse salt
3 tsp white pepper

spicy plum sauce (recipe from Taste of Home)
4lbs fresh plums, pitted and peeled
1 small sweet onion
1 clove garlic
3 1/2 c sugar
2 c apple cider vinegar

rice, cooked, in a rice cooker like a real man

Prep the sauce first cause it has to cook the longest. And it’s real heckin’ good. In a food processor, blend the sauce ingredients. In a large sauce pan, simmer for an hour, uncovered.

Preheat oven to 400°F. Line 2 baking sheets with foil. Trust me.

Ok, now do the rest. Cut the bacon slices and half and wrap the brussels. Cut each of the meats into bite size pieces. Skewer the meats and then top with a brussels sprout. Place on the baking sheets.

In a bowl, mix together the dry rub ingredients. Drizzle the kebabs with olive oil and sprinkle with dry rub. Rub that shit into there.

Bake the kebabs (you may need to do one sheet at a time) for 15 minutes. Flip and bake for another 15 minutes.

Serve over rice, top with amazing plum sauce. Watch the movie and hope for the best.